Private Journal of Mr Darcy
by RavErz
Summary: This is a Private Journal of Mr. Darcy that reveals his personality in a way in which he would never admit to others. The journal outlines his reasons for writing to Elizabeth about the charges she has accused him of in the novel.


**Private ****Journal of Mr. Darcy**

My advances towards Elizabeth did not go unnoticed but despite my greatest intentions of matrimony she declined my offer. After much reflection it has become apparent that her motives and reasons for refusing me were not unfounded for many reasons.

I feel that my dismissal goes hand in hand with my continued struggle against social class and superiority. I have made it known that I loved Elizabeth in spite of my will against it to the point where she believes that this adornment is in direct conflict with both my reason and character. I believe, though, that honesty is essential, although my sincerity has an inclination to cause anguish as it has had on more than one occasion, especially to Elizabeth. A marriage between Elizabeth and I will only invite conflict and disappointment due to my superior birthright. The legacy of my family would be tainted and while I wish this was not the case I can not deny these convictions. This pains Elizabeth and due to my obvious remarks she knows it to be true and it has always been suspected. Honesty is a virtue and to not be honest is to treat someone as a means to an end. Due to this underlying "fault" in my character it was necessary to confess my deepest love although this was halted by two crimes that were laid against me.

Firstly I was charged with separating a most dear friend and a beloved sister. While this may be the case, the reasons for which were surely misunderstood and quite naturally not considered by Elizabeth. My reasons for separating Miss Bennet and Mr. Bingley were due to Miss Bennet's lack of passion that Mr. Bingley so wholeheartedly embraced. It is possible though that the motivation for this reserved nature by Miss Bennet was not due to a deficiency of attractiveness but a personality trait that I could not have known without prior intimate contact. While I have begun to suspect otherwise I still standby, and do not condemn, my convictions.

Secondly I was accused of betraying a fine and reputable man who was much loved by my father. Allegedly I denied Mr. Wickham a fortune that was informally entailed to him by Mr. Darcy. Although the real events were far more sinister, as in the midst of betrayal and deceit of his studying the law, Mr. Wickham then requested additional funds.

Upon my refusal the hand of my sister was gained but when it was found that he would not receive a single pound of her inheritance he fled leaving her heartbroken at the young age of fifteen.

I feel it to be important that Elizabeth knows the truth despite the fact that she has declined my hand. While she may think ill of me it is necessary that she knows that my intentions were most admirable and the true character of the deceitful and unagreeable Mr. Wickham. It would be against my character to let these transgressions in which I have been accused of to go unnoticed and it is my duty to defend myself against these accusations. If the element of me that Elizabeth so much detests is based on mere speculation, an explanation of my true disposition could be beneficial to a prospective relationship. While I do not seek to repeat the proposal of marriage against her wishes, I find it necessary to express my reason as to why I have chosen certain aforementioned acts in regards to both the relationship of Miss Bennet and Mr. Bingley and the treatment of Mr. Wickham. While this expression would best be done personally I sense that Elizabeth will consider it an intrusion based on the events of the previous night and thus a letter would be more appropriate. At least this way her curiosity may get the better of her and she will be unable to defy the need to read it.

If I do write a letter to Elizabeth perhaps it would be in vain and it is possible that she will not open it but I feel her character would not allow her to simply ignore my correspondence. I suspect that her desire for me is only thwarted by the love of her sister and the admiration of Mr. Wickham. If it is possible to explain the reasons which, while perhaps inadequate for Elizabeth, were the driving force behind my actions it will be possible to attain clemency and even perhaps an understanding. While in regards to Mr. Wickham this could easily be achieved with disclosure of his character it is doubtful Elizabeth will ever display absolution for my actions against Miss Bennet due to the subjectiveness of the ethical dilemma that I was faced with when informing Mr. Bingley of what I still believe is Miss Bennet's intent. His vast fortune makes him a very agreeable partner and the dire financial situation of the Bennet family allows a marriage to appear somewhat for monetary gain. At the same time I must strive to achieve this goal of renewed trust and once again restore Elizabeth's faith in my character.

I do not easily communicate with those I am not well acquainted with and I infer that this would negatively impact on how people perceive my disposition. This is a flaw in a conceited man who lets his egoism hinder his happiness. I must not let Elizabeth perceive this of me and thus I must explain my actions regardless if the outcome provides a positive conclusion.

_Fitzwilliam Darcy_


End file.
